Years of watching movies have taught me one thing, above all else. That no matter how bad the situation on Earth gets, leaving the planet and heading for outer space is never a good option. Every single creature we encounter in space wants to murder us, eat us, murder and then eat us or hunt us for sport and I’m not really sure why. humans don’t look good mounted on walls. We have many, many good qualities but wall furnishing is really not one of them. We taste like chicken. Or so I’ve heard. I’ve been thinking about this lately, as I watch the world collectively hold its breath while Kim Jong Un decides how much he wants to set the world on fire. It’s a bum rap, you know? We get to choose between the xenomorphs and the inevitable march towards midnight that has to end in a giant apocalyptic fireworks show someday. Thankfully, you have me to help get you through this situation, because I’m sure I can figure out a problem that dozens of brilliant scientists and politicians couldn’t figure respectively. Duct tape. You heard me right. Freaking duct tape. No, don’t give me that look, duct tape won’t stop the nuclear apocalypse you’ve all been dreaming about, but it might make space slightly more manageable if we run into any of the creatures documented in the horror/sci-fi genre. Join me as we solve all our problems with duct tape like chronically lazy men.

     You all remember Alien, right? I know the government tried to cover up all those deaths but someone has to speak out about the horrible incident. Also, there was a movie by that name, I guess. The way the aliens in that movie reproduce is via a form colloquially called a “face hugger” because that sounded better with the public relations people than ‘esophagus ravager.” They stick a tube down your throat and plant a little tiny baby alien that bursts out of your chest later on, hence the obvious title chest burster. I would have preferred boob buster, but I clearly don’t know how naming things works. Well, some duct tape over your mouth will fix that shit right up. Granted, you might have some trouble breathing every now and then but if you had to choose between boob buster death and looking like an asthmatic idiot, what would you choose? Yeah, you’d be putting that duct tape on your face. That’s more preventative, and there are some cases where you just have to let nature take its course. This is a more extreme version of better out than in, but you just plug that hole up with duct tape and I’m sure the unfortunate victim will be right as rain in no time flat.

    I know you don’t think that movie E.T., the Extra Terrestrial was a horror movie, but it was. Yes, it’s not a horror movie on the same scale as alien. I get your skepticism, so let me make a believer out of you. E.T. does all kinds of horrible things while he’s on Earth. He stays at some family’s house for days without pitching in any money, he uses their towels without washing them, he takes their kids trick or treating and puts them in danger just by his mere presence. Later on, he puts the whole family at risk when the crazy scientists and the weirdos wearing giant space suits show up. He connects himself to the boy, Eliot, so much so that when E.T. gets sick so does the boy. Duct tape would fix all this by…duct tape would fix absolutely none of this. This is out of the duct tape league. I’m sorry, I mislead you when I told you duct tape could solve all your sci-fi problems. I had no idea I was going to dealing with this kind of horror. Duct tape will not wash towels with alien leavings on it. Does E.T. poop? I have no idea, but now I can’t stop trying to figure out what face he would make when he did go. Duct tape won’t fix that either. You’re welcome.

     Getting back to more classic actual sci-fi/horror how about them predators? I mean, I know the joke is that man is deadliest prey of all, but clearly you’ve never watched an office worker climb a flight of stairs. Hunting modern man should be just about the easiest thing in the galaxy. All you need to do is set up a table with the latest iPhones and a sign that says “Free Samples, one each”. Boom, there’s the best lure you ever could ask for. There are people out there who would legitimately ignore all the dead bodies in order to get a free smart phone. For that matter, why on Earth do predators use bodies as trophies when smart phones would be a way better status symbol? Thinking about the whole idea of an entire species that goes out into the stars and killing them with high tech pointy sticks makes me feel like they’re really complete hicks and very self-conscious about it. Duct tape to the rescue! As we’ve discussed, duct tape is really good for healing catastrophic injury and it’s also good for making traps. We don’t need a gubernator and some giant logs, we just need a lot of duct tape and some cats. Trust me, nobody survives my duct tape cat trap. I would tell you to ask anybody, but nobody has escaped yet.

     The last one where I can say with great confidence that duct tape would save the day is in the case of alien species who got bored waiting out in the stars and decided to come to us. I’m thinking invasion of the corpse borrowers and the thing. Hey, I’m not the only one whose bad at naming stuff. The first tactic is to put a piece of take somewhere on your body, in a place that can’t be seen. That way, when your close friend jams a gun down your throat and asks you if you really are who you say you are, you don’t have to go on some long rambling story about that time when you were kids and you hunted down that scary space spider clown in the sewers. Nope, you just lift up your shirt and show off that duct tape. Problem solved. This way, you don’t end up standing around waiting for the alien to catch up with you while you gab and your friend gets to check out that six pack you’ve been working on. I have more of a keg that’s been aged to perfection. If that fails, then just stick random pieces of duct tape all over yourself and start walking into walls. The invading force of aliens will likely just assume that there’s something wrong with you or that your mother drank while she was pregnant and they’ll get off our planet. I am a font of useless helpful advice. How do I get work doing this?

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