I’m starting to think this was a very bad idea. I never thought this little story would end up disappointing me. Here we are on our seventh post and I’m still quite mad about there being no surprise at the end of our last little sojourn in Gothic Potter land. I have a little confession to make here. You see, I have read and listened to this story many times in the past but it has been a long time since I have gotten so far into the story. As such, I’m just reacting to it with only vague familiarity as I go along. I vaguely recall that the story has no real ending and also gets high jacked at one point. I think the hacker chapter is removed from the version I have. Alright, we’ve put this off long enough, it’s time to pay the black pentagram guitarist.
Chapter XXII- You know, this opening of the chapter, which has a sort of post boardroom meeting feel to it, makes me realize how badly I want all the characters to die. The teachers and the Misery of Magic were having a shouting discussion in the great hall about the savior of the world, Enoby. Wow. Even in this story, I never pictured myself saying that. “Whoops, she made a mistake. She means everybody come in.” says Dumblydore. That’s right, the jig is up. This is all about Enoby’s Stanist gothic black death metal band Bloody Gothic Rose MCR 666. Only music as depressing as that can defeat the Bard lord. Cut yourself and weep. So she and all the other students come in. This is the part where Dumblydore has a speech right? About Enoby being Gothic Jesus? No. Now is the time for a fight between Vampire Potter and Draco Malfoy. They both want to sit next to Enoby. Oh, if I could only be more normal! And then Vampire jumps on Draco, but Enoby is careful to state not in that way you, you perv. Yes, you in the back row with the trench coat, masticating furiously. Take your bowl of Lucky Charms and get out. Now Vlodemort shows up. I get the distinct impression he’s been really bored lately. Either that or he’s a drama queen, because he seems to use his telekinesis solely for the purpose of spying on high school drama. By the way, we know how Vlosemort is. You do not need to describe him every single time. So here’s the new version of his threat to Enoby. Kill Vampire Potter, with a steak preferably, or I will kill him and then you and then Draco. See? Vlothemort is such a drama queen. After Vlodemort leaves Vampire and Draco go to contort Enoby. I take this to mean that they are both strangling her. Oh no. No, no, no. There is not enough oxygen in the world to save you from this. So Enoby has a vision of…well it’s a something. She sees Vlodemort coming to kill Draco while he slits his wrists in a depressed way. Uh. Is it possible to slit your wrists in a happy way? Also, now Enoby is having vision. In terms of the special and gifted school of children, she’s the valedictorian, the salutatorian, the entire graduating class of 2004 and the janitor. Good God. She could just not be any more special. What are you looking at me like that for? So when she comes to she wonders if she’s getting possessed. No, honey, it’s a wizarding social disease. Now, I know it’s the autotune voice here but it sounds like someone suggested Enoby go see Professor Sinister. Uhm. He’s here too? Can he help with social diseases? I mean, I didn’t think he was that kind of doctor.
Chapter XXIII-So they went to Deviation class, which I was never aware they had left, to see Professor Sinister. Professor Sinister. Is teaching Deviation class. Let that sink in. Of course, they turn her into a Gothic vampire too. Because only two kinds of people exist in the world of Magic. Izod and Hot Topic. (insert gratuitous clothing scene, take a shot) So we’ve been in class for two seconds when the teacher, who I will continue to refer to as Professor Sinister, kicks them out to talk her through her problems without even know what they are. Soon, she will be Professor Sinister at the Misery of Magic collecting her gothic unemployment check. Oh lord. So what’s wrong Enoby? “Well, Professor Sinister I am having lots of visions.” “Hmm. Yes, and when did you starting having these visions?” Then there was a knock at the door. Enoby looks at the door. Draco does nothing else, which is fine because Enoby can see through walls. She has telekinesis. (insert gratuitous clothing scene here, take a shot) So she leaves. What did we find out? Nothing. Enoby says she feels inhibited. Does this mean we won’t see any more of her boy’s thingy? That…that kinda creeps me out.
Chapter XXIV- Seems like Enoby is wondering the same thing. They go to his black flying car. Things are not looking good. Ok, yeah. I’m just skipping this whole scene. Sorry, I just can’t deal with another one of these. What can I really say about one more of these scenes that I haven’t already said about the last four scenes like this? Wow. Nevermind. In this one she has girl parts at least, even if she does fall asleep mid-way through. She has another vision. And the points towards her having a magical social disease are really adding up. It’s two people about to be killed!1 Once the killing is done, the bad guy runs away in a red car. You know, the old Flinstones cars that Ford used to make? They got phased out around the time that the Model T came back out with jet engines. Oh God, what is it with this chick and crying tears of blood? She needs to have her tear ducts looked at by Professor Sinister. Scratch that, she needs a full-blown everything check-up, Scratch that, she needs to be shot.
Chapter XXV-A few mutates later, huh? Social. Disease. (Gratuitous clothing scene, take a shot.) It sounded like she said he was wearing a black Jackson, a common garb for magical high school goths. Good God, more bloody tears? No wonder she’s passing out. Forget electrolytes, this woman needs to have a Red Cross van on standby at all times. Also. Since she’s a vampire, does this count as anorexia? I can’t understand Dumblydore. They go to see him. I’m just going to go ahead and assume he’s being a jerk. She does save Sirius Black though. I would rather get killed than be saved by Enoby. I’m skipping a lot here, read it on your own. I’m just fascinated by the gothic nurse. Also, Professor Sinister is back. I really don’t think she’s that kind of doctor. “I have to tell you the perdition” the nurse says. You really don’t. I’ve been here the whole time. I’m in perdition right now. Eh. You can smell happily? Oh, whatever. Pffft. She peered into the balls, huh? No comment. Oh YES! Enoby must travel back in time! Here we are. Oh God. Ok, apparently in the past his name was Voldo Man. You see, when Tom Riddle was young he had a thing for Pokemon and Sentai shows and…well, people picked on him a lot and he got his heart Borkin. I…don’t know what that is? It doesn’t sound nice, though. So the plan is for Enoby to seduce Tom Riddle. Come to my room tomorrow and you can do it. “Ok.” Says Enoby. Now I don’t know about you, but if a woman named Professor Sinister asked me to go back in time to seduce or kill the man who has been trying to kill me for days now, I might…MIGHT…have more questions. Just me. Ah, people were cheesing Enoby’s name.
Ok that’s it. Too much and my brain can’t take it. We’re heading into the end game people. Two more weeks, tops and it will all be over. Please come back next week for the further adventures of Digimon trainer Enoby and her evil partner Voldo Man.