I’ve always been one of those bright tailed, bushy eyed go getters which is why I am always on the go and succeeding at life. Ok, breath. I just knew you were having a bad day so I thought you could use a laugh, how about I change that to be more accurate. I am on occasion one of those go getters who overcomes my chronic laziness at a time when a new Netflix series hasn’t just come out and when the planets align. I actually do try and improve my life. But how? Well, I would love to upgrade my furniture or maybe get some workout equipment that I’ve been meaning to put a down payment on lately, but that stuff costs so much money and I have none. Thankfully, horror films have the answer for us. It’s sort of odd, because I find so much joy in poking fun at a genre that I really don’t enjoy all that much. A lot of this comes down to the fact that I find horror done well to be hard to watch, as indeed it is supposed to be. I find horror badly made either boring, frustrating, disgusting, insulting or a combination of all of those things. So in preparation for this post I went ahead and watched a bunch of the trap scenes from the Saw movies, because I still remember the dark times when DIY torture was considered genius. Nowadays, we farm that stuff out to former Soviet Eastern European countries because we have a depression on.
You see, the other day my coffee table started wearing a little thin. Not that my coffee table is sentient, but the paint was worn off in multiple places and since this was a Wal-Mart special, I thought I would go ahead and buy another one. I started off building a new coffee table and I ended up with a trough. Well, I have been needing a new table, but this is hardly what I was trying to make. I can’t place coffee table books on a trough! Where am I going to put my “Cats in people clothes” coffee table book now!? That’s what kind of brought this issue to a head for me. And this is what attracted me to the Saw Movies, because clearly when you’re the Jigsaw killer, it’s always tool time. It’s just a shame that the tools all have pointy ends and the Jigsaw hardware store has very limited ends and goals. All joking aside, this guy is a master of the DIY torture trap. Think about how much time some of these things take to set up, even the first trap we ever see. He had to get two bathtubs in that ratty ass room and hook them up to working plumbing, which must have been just a joy because what are the odds he found a room with pipes leading in right where he wanted? How would you even ask a realtor for such a room in the first place?
And you know the guy does all his own work because it’s not like you can call a bunch of contractors and get some quotes on reverse bear traps or giant pits filled with used syringes. Now, I know enough about the films to know that the original Jigsaw killer doesn’t make it past the third film, which didn’t stop them from making more of them. The amount of planning that goes into these things makes me wish Jigsaw had a carpentry show for us knuckleheads at home who clearly don’t value our furniture enough. I’m serious, I would tune in. Jigsaw is the Bob Vila of murder. Next time I need to make myself a new coffee table I know exactly what station I’m tuning into. Whatever station is crazy enough to hire John Kramer to host a home improvement show. Oh lord. I just realized that most shows like that are the “This old house” formula of things. John Kramer makes house calls. Yay. Yeah, that one was my fault. I clearly didn’t think this through. To be fair, I’ve never watched an episode of This Old House that I didn’t consider to be torture because when I watched it I was around eleven. I guess that means John Kramer would be happy because watching This Old Murder House would certainly be torture for young boys, the ultimate combination of mental and physical torture.
But really, this is a slippery slope and the next thing you know someone will be hiring H.H. Holmes to do a Property Brothers spinoff with Jack the Ripper. So let’s stick with our original idea of him just telling us how to make pieces of furniture for our place. Granted, once our new coffee table is done it will also be capable of killing five people, but come on! You can choose classy or you can choose, safe, nobody said interior decorating was a game! Oh wait. Actually Jigsaw does seem to be into the whole playing games thing. You know what this is like? Jigsaw having his own DYI fixit show is really more like having him be the Bob Ross or torture devices. I can picture him on his show right now. “And we’re just gonna put a little row of buzz saws in the bottom of this table. And they’re gonna be happy little buzz saws, look at them shine.” “I’m making a coffee table, you psychopath! I don’t want it to main people, I just like hot chocolate, alright!?”Though I guess that is a lot of pressure, because Bob Ross came up with really good paintings on a regular basis and Jigsaw is more one of those tortured genius types that takes forever to get anything done. Well, at least the show will be a financial success until the class action lawsuit or the star drops dead of cancer. This is a show that’s bound to see most of its life span in reruns or on YouTube, probably hanging out in the same part that has people falling off of ladders.
It still makes sense to me, though, because when you’re looking for advice on your new piece of furniture or construction you want to take advice for the best amateur or contractor you can find. Clearly, the man knows what’s doing or there would be five million Saw movies. Look at me! I tried to make a coffee table and I ended up with a piece of farm equipment, clearly I need help. Of course, this does raise the specter of John Kramer as an independent contractor making and fixing people’s houses. I’m not sure I really want to consider that. When I started off writing this post, I jokingly told myself that the only person in a movie I’ve seen that’s more DIY than Jigsaw is maybe Kevin McCallister or maybe the Gubernator in Predator. But now I’m seeing a house where the death traps were built into the place to start off with, and they are far more lethal than a pair of paint cans flying down the stairs. Though really, those should have been lethal. Yeah, this is perhaps an old joke, but the Jigsaw killer has just been upgraded, or downgraded, to Frank Lloyd Wrong.