Brad Pitt, Gourmet zombie chow~

     I still remember the trailers for World War Z. The stunning visuals almost made me forget how sick I am of zombie everything. They looked like hungry zombie salmon making their way all the way upstream to their prey. Speaking of which, a movie about zombie salmon wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Ok, it’s an awful idea but now I really want to make it. I watched the movie on Netflix because I had been intrigued and I hadn’t been exposed to all the seething nerd rage this movie activated. I came away from this movie having come to two conclusions. Firstly, gun free zones are zombie friendly zones, you monsters! The other thing I noticed about the film is that all the zombies really only have one goal. They all just want to eat Tom Cruise, which is kind of a shame because the movie stars Brad Pitt. I got the two mixed up because I instantly associate World War Z with Top Gun, only maybe remove the dogfights and replace them with zombies. It was at that point that I realized I had mixed up Brad Pitt with Val Kilmer and then I had myself a little cry. I still think the argument holds up, because no matter where Brad Pitt goes there are zombies there to gr-eat him. You see what I did there? Shut up. It’s funny.

     The first time we see zombies attack is in New York. Naturally, they didn’t start off there. The plague began in India with “Patient Zero” a man who must have looked a lot like Brad Pitt to the virus. We see the zombies in this film are fast, agile and hungry for Brad Pitt. They start smashing in car windows with their heads. Brad Pitt! Are you Brad Pitt!? Where is Brad Pitt!? I must eat Brad Pitt! Brad Pitt! And so on. I never said zombies were inventive. As a side note, this virus must spread abnormally quickly because New York seems to get wiped off the face of the planet in under an hour or so. I mean, I know they have a lot of practice from all the disaster movies and that time Godzilla showed up and wrecked the joint, but that still seems abnormally fast. My guess is that the symptoms of these zombies, which include mindlessly attacking living human beings, only dying when shot or impaled in the head and an endless hunger for Brad Pitt, must lead the victim to succumb in a matter of minutes. Brad Pitt and his family, which the zombies call appetizers for Brad Pitt get out of the city and hole up in a room with another family that are far less appetizing than Brad Pitt. By the next day they leave and the other family decides to stay and bar the door.

     Little did they know this was the least safe thing they can do. I’ve heard it said that to a zombie in World War Z, the scent of their favorite food source, Brad Pitt, lingers for days and drives the zombies in the area frantic with hunger. They might as well have spent the rest of their time spent their drenching themselves in marinade and ringing a dinner gong. Naturally, the zombies show up and munch on the family because happy endings are for Disney films and this movie is about feeding the hungry…zombies. Brad Pitt gets airlifted out of the place as zombies desperately cling to the helicopter. “Give us Brad Pitt!” They seem to say as the chopper wings away. Many zombies lost their chance to join the “I eat Brad Pitt in a helicopter” club that day. Brad Pitt and his travelling parsley circus make their way to the last bastion of humanity, ships on the ocean. Brad Pitt now counts as sea food for all you Catholic zombies out there. They quickly decide that they must send a scientist in to find a cure. Of course, they send the human main course Brad Pitt to protect him.

     Now I know what you’re thinking, which is good because we’ve really stopped communicating these days, why on Earth would they send their one last hope with the human equivalent of Zombie catnip to guard him? Wouldn’t that be like the rats of NIMH sending Matthias out to drug the cat with an all cat escort? What could possibly go wrong except for everything? Once they arrive he promptly slips and shoots himself in the head. The scientist, not Brad Pitt. The place is already swarming with zombies at the Russian airport. Word had gone ahead that Brad Pitt would be arriving, yum yum. So naturally they have to get out of dodge by getting into a plane and flying to Jerusalem where Brad Pitt can complete his dream of luring zombies to all the safe zones in the world, thus making him the most eligible main course in the world. It seems like a futile task when zombies seem willing to fling themselves over walls and even other zombies, like undead lemmings, to reach that legendary dish. You could argue that it’s the noise that attracts the zombies but you would only be lying to yourself. Sure, the music might not have helped, but they also caught the unmistakable smell of Brad Pitt. It smells like success, so you know it when you smell it. And apparently this excites the appetites of the undead in the same way that a cordon bleu chef makes good dishes.

     I don’t know about you, but this is rapidly getting out of hand. Soon there won’t be any snacks left for when we get hungry later. The pilot of the plane that took Brad Pitt to Jerusalem wisely realizes that rolling with Brad Pitt, the human veal, gives him the same life expectancy as the other people who rolled with Brad Pitt. So he tries to take off but it doesn’t work out so well for him. It’s the smell, man. You had a good plan but you were screwed from the moment you touched down. Brad Pitt gets on a commercial jet and wings his way to Scotland. Little do the passengers know that the presence of Brad Pitt effectively makes the whole plane a box of delightful cereal. Brad Pitt is the glow in the dark toy that comes in the bottom of the box. Well, a glow in the dark toy that you can eat. Once they arrive in Scotland Brad Pitt goes to a place run by the World Health Organization. They meet with people there. Doctors. Doctor W.H.O. if you will and Brad Pitt runs by them the idea that if he infects himself with a fatal disease than maybe all the zombies will die from sheer depression at the loss of a chance to eat Brad Pitt. It seems to work and now the fight to take back the word has begun. Moral of the story? If there is ever a zombie apocalypse, Brad Pitt? You know what to do.

 

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