So, here we again. Time once more for another enjoyable roundup of “My Immortal” chapters. Right now I am writing in a hotel very early in the morning. The whole of today, or tomorrow, I will be in a plane and since God clearly hates me, a piece of my blinds fell off and hit my laptop screen several weeks after my service plan expired. That will not stop me from posting, however, because I am nothing if not willing to endanger the lives of countless innocent people in order to get you the quality posting you deser…wait a minute. Something about that doesn’t add up. Anyways, this week we hit the meat of the plot finally at last for the first time all over again…again. I hope. Last week we left off with another concert scene and the introduction of Navel…oh, sorry, I mean…oh what the hell did she rename Neville to? Oh right, Dracola. Now come with me and I’ll take you on a tour of Neo-Goth Hogwarts. It’s almost as offensive as Neo-Nazi Hogwarts, but it doesn’t lose out by much, if you catch my drift.
Chapter XVIII-(Gratuitous clothing scene, take a shot) It’s the next morning. You are not ready for this. The end of the last chapter had a Dumblydore wearing a black t-shirt that said Avril Lavigne on the back. Today he’s turned this into the magical land of the poser goth. Maybe I’m too old to know. Was this a thing? Ever? Someone tell me if that was a thing. In real high schools, not magical ones. Ok, I have to admit that I jumped the gun on this one. Black walls, black tables but there’s pink underneath. Uh. The great hall was pink? When did that happen? Also she mentions some posters, which I can’t help but picture floating in much the same manner as the candles. By the way, are you keeping up with your shots yet? Don’t worry, official rules are forthcoming but while we wait (gratuitous clothing scene x2, take two shots). So here’s the thing. Apparently Dumblydore, who I would like to remind you didn’t like Draco or care enough about him to rescue him from Vlodemorts sex dungeon, is now going goth to…impress the students he hated in the first place? The only way this could be more insulting is if Dumblydore came in dressed as Mr. Rogers. So they’re mad at Dumblydore but…wait, there’s another MCR concert? Isn’t this the third time now? Why are you still going to concerts!? It’s Vlodemort and his Death Dealahs! It’s always him! The Beatles cover band? Vlodemort! The Rolling Stones! Vlodemort and friends! Well…except for Keith Richards. Nobody messes with Keith Richards. This chapter is going to be the death of me. It’s going on too long, and once I hit the part where Draco says, “Nobody understands me!” Gaaaah! Just go to the concert you little twerps! I hope you all die! Wait…Boulevard of Borkin dreams? I…have not heard that Green Day song. I am very glad. By the way (gratuitous clothing scenex2, take two shots…or maybe don’t, I don’t want you to die.) Will this chapter never end? Tears of blood, bloody eye liner, bloody stool, pot…ok, that last one I understood. Oh hey! Here’s Hargrid in the girls bathroom! By the way, I skipped another Enoby v. Draco fight. If you wanna watch Drago fight, go watch Rocky IV. So actually Dumblydore is there too. I thought this would be the part where the whole time travel plot picks up? Apparently he just wanted to know what she was wearing to the concert. So…he can dress to match? It will involve black and blood red. You’re always safe with black and blood red.
Chapter XIX-Oh, thank God. So now on to Draco’s surprise. If it doesn’t involve him holding a boom box over his head or copious amounts of drugs, I don’t care. My money is on it involving her virility though. Any bets? Taking all bets! Also (gratuitous clothing scene, maybe don’t take a shot). Wait…so Lupin comes to her room to ask for…condoms? I’m not gonna lie, this time I’m actually disturbed. I was going to make fun of the slit wrist bloody mosh pit all night dancing thing? This kinda puts me off that. Ok, we do get another insult here. Ludicrous idiot. Take a shot. We’re just skipping over this next scene. I have no comment. It’s not Lupin taking up the back door here, it’s my childhood sense of wonder. It feels like betrayal ribbed for his pleasure. Yeah. We’re moving on. I’m scarred now. “Well, anyway, I went outside and” NO! You cannot go back to just whatever from…ah, screw it. Let’s just get this over with. Hey look, it’s Vampire Potter! What singer shall we compare him to now? So I guess she’s going to the concert with Vampire now? In his *gasp* black car? Do you remember what your bet on what Draco’s surprise was going to be? I don’t. All I can think of now is that other thing. The one that I skipped. Ah, but his car license is MCR 666, which is clearly superior to just 666. The MCR addition really notches up the evil. But Draco is at the concert, crying in a corner. Which Enoby somehow hears. End of chapter. Ok, write down your bets now. Tell me in the comments section if you were right. If you didn’t stop reading. And if you aren’t comatose from too many shots. If you are comatose, say nothing.
Chapter XX-So after that, they just go back to school. I was unaware that you could run in a suicidal way. What, was he running off the top of Hogwarts? So…did she forget about the surprise? Because that would honestly have surprised me. You know, this whole scene that comes along here with Vampire and Enoby under his black (natch) invisibility cloak would be more exciting if it wasn’t for the surprise. Is it a pony? Wait..that’s too preppie. Is it…a suicidal pony? That says 666 somewhere on it? So they get found and run outside to see Draco slitting his wrists…outside the school. Like you do. Is he feeling better? “I yes no.” WHAT ABOUT THE SURPRISE! Is it ice cream? I think part of this chapter got cut off, but here comes Fudge. He better be part of the surprise or I will seriously lose it.
Chapter XXI-“All day everybody talked about the misery of magic.” Well played, good madam, well played. (Gratuitous clothing scenex8, give your liver a break already. No human being was made to consume so much alcohol in one sitting.) Also more vampire backstories, for Crabbe and Goyle and…someone else. Yep, and we have a few more converts to Stanism too. This Stan guy. He’s becoming so popular with the high school kids, isn’t he? Ok, so she says she needs to put clothes on…after the twenty seconds of clothing descriptions. Also her friends need to stop being so erective. Could this be it? Could we be getting our time travel plot? Or the surprise? I would take either one at this point. Ah yes. The school should be closed, they walk in on a yelling match between Fudge and Avril Dumblydore. It’s the Bark lord, you see. He’s got this needlessly complicated scheme to have one student kill another student or he’ll kill them both! Yeah…he is kinda needlessly petty like that, isn’t he? And Dumblydore has Alzheimers? Well, that would explain the makeover. But we can’t close the school, because Enoby is the chosen one that will kill Vlodemort and save us from our sins, and on the third day she will be taken up to an MCR concert in the sky…
That’s my limit and beyond. So a few things to cover here. Firstly, again, this in no way is a personal attack. The original fanfic was written to give joy to people, and it has. Not..most of the time…in the way the author intended, but that’s life. The other thing I would like to mention is that I skipped most of an infamously bad scene because I found it personally insulting towards to characters I deeply admire. Read it at your own risk. Lastly, this is the beginning of the end for these posts. The whole thing is around thirty chapters and we just hit the twenties. Also…was there really no surprise? I know! It was disappointment! That…wasn’t actually all that surprising.