It’s Sunday again! Come one and all and hear you the continuing story of “My Immortal”. When we last left the people we’re following last week, they were entering Vlothemorts lair, where he had Draco in bondage. Because Harry Potter has a womb for a Horocrux he can apparently just teleport to wherever Vlodemort is. Without any further ado, since the chapters are getting longer…
Chapter XIV-Oh yes! Just when giving a write up of this thing was starting to feel like a chore! This chapter comes with a warning. Here it is. “Warning. Some o dis chapter extremly scray. Viower exretion advisd. So go ahead and feel free to drop a load, people. Now they’re where Voldemort is. No actually it’s not. It’s that fat guy that killed Cedric Cullen. So they start shooting him with a gun. I mean, what else would two wizards do, use a wand? Hogwarts is like the Green Berets of the magic world. After that Snaketail, or Wormtail for people who read Harry Potter, does something I think nobody saw coming. He propositions Enoby for sex. She says no and stabs him and he dies. I’m shortening this up because my favorite line is coming up. Vlodemort wearing high heels. Uh. I guess that’s not outside the realm of possibility. He’s into bondage, so I suppose crossdressing is…great, now whenever I think of Vlodemort I’ll only ever be able to see Tim Curry in drag. Anyways, they could hear his high heels clacking towards them. At the end of this chapter we get a taste of Enobys pain. She wants to be less beautiful and more normal so that everyone would stop falling in love with her. You know, like all the other normal vampire goth wizard teenaged girls. There have to at least be a few…right?
Chapter XV-Ok, so this chapter makes me feel like I’m missing something. It begins with Enoby and Draco having a fight. Hold on, I’ll check the source material. Nope. So she just went off and had herself a hissy fit. So if you slit your own wrists and drink your own blood is that cannibalism? But enough of this depressing drama! It’s time for class! Let’s just go off and forget all this nonsense with Voldemort by going to…biology class? Oh come on. Not the hair of hair of magical creatures class? (gratuitous clothing scene, taking a shot.) Ohhhhh I see. Advanced biology is turning a pentagram into a black guitar, because all rock is from Satan, and then…Draco? Who tells her he loves her and…sings a song? So yeah, they kiss and make up. I know you’re all relieved, because I was just on the edge of my seat as to what would happen to this…what, three day old relationship? Oh yeah! Concert in Hogsmeade! We’ve seen this before I think…anyways, let’s go!
Chapter XVI-Now is concert time! (Gratuitous clothing scene, take a shot) But actually, it’s not My Chemical Romance…it is…Vlosemort and the death dealers! Admit it. That does make for an awesome name for a death metal band. I would buy a t-shirt just to say I have one. Of course, going to a concert where all the band members play black guitars made from pentagrams and…Draco Malfoy…and are willing to use the killing curse on the audience means I’ll be sticking with the concert t-shirt. Naturally, Enoby expresses shock at this turn of events. “WTF!?” Ok, I’m confused. We just had a concert where My Chemical Romance was actually Vlodemort. Now there’s another concert and they’re going? So this is the chapter I was talking about earlier, I believe, where Willow (her friend in real life) stops editing the story and her character gets edited out. I’m not gonna lie, I’m kind of getting uncomfortable about the way Enoby slings around the word prep. She uses it in the same way that I might use an ethnic slur. Basically put, she decides she’s going to the concert and she needs clothes. (gratuitous clothing talk, take a shot) This is where the plot collapses in on itself. You would think in a plot about a goth vampire witch who goes to a school for magical people the plot would hardly matter. Well, here I’m going to say it does. So they do go to a small store to buy a dress (gratuitous clothing scene, take a shot) and oh my Satan you need to buy that dress! Guess who the guy who runs the shop is? Tom Riddle. Like…young, not balding Tom Riddle. I ‘ll get into that in a minute, but first Hargrid shows up on his broom to collect Enoby and OMFG we need to get back to the castle!
Chapter XVII-But apparently Enoby is in no big hurry, because she stays while Tom gives her some clothes n’stuff for free and offers his help on make-up duty. He’s bizezual. Hargrid leaves and Willow comes back. Wow, that didn’t take long. Willow is thin enough to be anorexic. I don’t know why she brings this up, just go with it. Oh yes and (gratuitous clothing scene, take a shot). Ok, ok. I can’t skip this line. “She had a really nice body, with big bobs and everything.” So now we get a look at our concert goers, like a parade of depression and teenaged angst. (Insert several gratuitous clothing scenes, taking shots ad nauseous.) We also meet one more character, Dracola. He’s actually Navel. No, it’s Neville Longbottom. I guess Dracola is a step up for him? Of course, he has a depressing as hell back story and given that Neville’s story already was depressing, take two shots. Now it’s off to the concert! On the way, they did pot, coke and crack…wizards in a flying car on crack. Yes. This is amazing. But of course, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice and it’s Vlodemort and the Death Dealers headlining the show. Clearly they didn’t spend enough time looking at the marquee. You moronic idiots, take a shot. Dumblydore shows up to save them, wearing a t-shirt that says Avril Lavingne on the back and a lung black bread. Don’t ask. Moving on.
Here’s the thing. The overall plot somehow involves Enoby killing Vlodemort by going back in time, right? But Tom Riddle, again pre-snake Tom Riddle, is in the present day. So how does that make any sense? Anyways, I checked today and you can still find this little gem online because people who have more time than I do are dedicated to preserving all things…just all things. Go forth and find it, my pretties! Until next week, and the continuing adventures of Enoby and company!