Well shuuuucks howdy, it’s Sunday and for the foreseeable future that makes this My Immortal Time. Before we start in on today’s installment, I would like to point out what Voldemort’s evil plan is. He wants Enoby to kill Vampire Potter. If she doesn’t he will kill Draco, then Vampire and finally her. If he can do all these things, why doesn’t he just do all these thing? Anyways, let’s get this train up and running so we can wreck it.
Chapter X-Ok, so Vlodemort threatened to kill our…heroine? Protagonist? If you can think of a better word let me know. Anyways, she was upset. Not upset enough to miss practice with her Gothic Metal band, Bloody Gothic Rose 666. That is more angst packed into one title than any other band name I have ever seen. It’s like if the Cure had a love child with My Bloody Valentine. As we get our run through of the band members we finally meet Diabolo, or Ron Weasely. Wait, Hargrid is in the band too? Wouldn’t that kind of be a buzzkill? No this next part is important. Enoby says that Draco and Vampire missed practice. Then she casually mentions that Draco was likely slitting his wrists, but it’s no big deal because who doesn’t, amirite? He won’t die, because he’s a vampire. I can’t believe I need to point this out, but here we are. Also, this scene shows us why transitions are nice because apparently Enoby gets changed right there where they’re practicing (Gratuitous clothing, take a shot). But apparently all this angst in the room is bad for keeping secrets because she tells her band members, and Hargrid, about Vlodemort and his plans to have her kill Harry…ah, Vampire Potter. She doesn’t want to because he’s nice. But then she drops the bomb. If I don’t kill Harry…ah, Vampire Potter he will kill Draco. Apparently Draco lives in the wall because he hops out from behind it and calls her a name and runs off crying. At the end of this chapter we find out he killed himself by slitting his wrists. So. One of two things is true. Either this was done on purpose and somehow Dumblydore didn’t know one of his own students was a vampire or…yeah, we forgot that whole little can’t die from slitting your wrists, need a cross or a steak thing.
Chapter XI-So I’m just going to skip to the good stuff. We’ve been all over this before. Enoby cries tears of blood and slits her wrists, looking like a gothic fountain centerpiece for a modern Vlad the impaler spewing blood instead of water. Oh yes, for those of you indulging in the drinking game, I will put up rules at some point, but this one has like…three gratuitous clothing descriptions in it. So yes, another word that falls into the “almost right it’s so wrong” category. Apparently in this version of Hogwarts, Snape and Lupin are buddies and they like filming female students…and masticating to them. So Lupin has a bag of chips, or crisps since it’s Hogwarts. Prepare yourselves ladies and gentlemen for the most hilarious sequence of events ever. Harry Potter comes running in. Abra Kadabra! He pointed his womb. What does one even say about such a line? Does Harry Potter have a womb? I mean, he is the boy who lived. Is that the seventh Horocrux? Was Harry capable of bearing children till Vlodemort dies? Then Enoby shoots Snape and Lupin with her gun, because it’s Hogwarts which has always been notorious for its gun violence, which breaks the camera but doesn’t kill them. Because wizards are immortal. Now Dumblydore runs in and starts saying something before he trails off dejectedly. Now Hargrid runs outside on his broom. So now we have two people who ran into Enoby’s room without knocking, Snape and Lupin are still floating outside on their brooms and Hargrid is down on the ground, running around with his like he’s playing Cowboys and Indians. Now again, nota bene, my readers. Apparently Hargrid is a little Hogwarts student and a Satanist, because of course he is. He’s also Goffick, which Snape is afraid means he’s a Satanist…which he just said he was, because why not, right? I mean, all the cool people are doing it. Wait that reason won’t work! I can’t use that reason!
Chapter XII-So, with all these people still there, Enoby decides that life without Drago just isn’t worth living. I know I was pretty depressed when I saw the end of Rocky IV. Dolph Lundgren noooooo! You said you would break him! I was betting everything on you! Ah ha! But now Vampire comes in, adding to the number of total people still in the scene, since Harry is apparently a different person. This is the part where we find out about his scar being a pentagram and covered up, but he it turned back into a lightning bolt. This scene, along with one other, repeats itself. Save me, says Harry Potter. We do find out what happened to Draco. Volthemort has him bondage. Oh ho, you dirty kitty. I didn’t know wizards played like that. So we go with Enoby to the nurses room, because what were you expecting for slit wrists, the hospital? A psych ward? Efforts in futility and failure. Nurses office it is! Dumblydore has apparently constipated the video tape that Snape and Lupin took of Enoby. He’s likely working that through now. And now Hargrid goes into her hospital bed and hands her some roses. Well, it’s certainly more romantic than flying into the forbidden forest in a flying car. Though apparently the roses are not roses. Hargrid does a spell and they turn into a huge black ball of flames floating in the air. And it was black. And…how much more black could it be? And the answer is…none. None more black. I have no idea what he says and then (gratuitous clothing scene, take a shot). I love how this whole story mentions slitting your wrists and then, hey it’s time for class. Let’s all go to the loooobyyy. Ah yes, the Hair of Magical Magic creatures. For the aspiring dog groomers at Hogwarts. Wait. Harry in this scene is sucking some blood from…a Hufflepuff? Is the Hufflepuff objecting to this? So yes, Enoby and Vampire start getting their game on when we get our next insult (take a shot) “You Horny simpletons.” And now we get out scar repeat scene.
Chapther XIII-I was thinking of stopping with the last chapter, but really? This scene is too good. Enoby and Vampire go to see Dumblydore about Draco being held in bondage. If you can find the auto-tuned scene, do so. The two speak at the same time and it…well the scene had non suspense, but it’s worth it. The reason I needed to keep going and do this scene is that apparently he doesn’t care about Draco being in bondage because he was a bad student and Dumblydore never liked him much anyways. Haha. Oh yes, another insult (take a shot) you despicable snots. But then Vampire gets a brain storm by cleverly clearing his head by crying tears of blood. See, when you get rid of the bad brain juices, which in older times were called humours…ah screw it. He uses a spell and now they are in Voldenpricks lair.
And that’s as far as I go. The chapters are getting much longer and they have some actual story in them now. I didn’t make you listen to me go over the repeated parts though. Come back next time for more tales from Hogwarts school of bitchcraft and pissery!