I’m sure by the time this post comes out we’ll all be enjoying the second season of Stranger Things, that is unless you’re the one boring spod who didn’t like Stranger Things. If that’s the case, let me be the first to tell you the Upside Down called, they’re missing their hideous monster. One thing you may remember from that show, monster not included, is the scientist hiding beneath an eighties power haircut so dominating and masculine it should have its own name, like Gordon Salamander or something. Here’s the thing, I love mad scientists. Sure, they do horrible experiments but come on people. This is mad science we’re talking about. Mutant super soldiers don’t grow on trees, and those death lasers aren’t cheap. There’s a door to another unexplored dimension? Hell yes, we have to open it. We’ve got the funding, what else do we need to worry about? Oh, there you again with your petty morals and God’s domain crap again. Still, I often wonder what line must be crossed before a scientist becomes a mad scientist, and thus fair game for “crimes against humanity”. The other problem is when scientists lose track of common sense. In Stranger Things the entrance to the Upside Down looks like a giant fungus in the process of eating the wall that repairs itself when you touch it in any way. So obviously we’re going to send a guy into it with a steel cable attached to his back. What could possibly go wrong other than literally every single thing that happens after that point?
I remember a movie I watched a few years ago in which the United States had created a giant python that could spit acid and eat a Clydesdale with pretty much zero effort. They send a team out to find this thing when it escapes and goes missing, and I want to stress this next point because I think it deserves stressing. They hunt it down not to firebomb the hell out of the python, but to capture it. Capture the giant snake that responds about as well to commands as a deaf terrier with an attitude problem. Great idea guys, let me know how that turns out. Once they get to the site where the python is now loose, it gets loose in a scene that will forever change the way you look at those snake in a jar party favors, they still want to catch it. I say it, but really there’s more than one snake. So guys, will catching the one snake be enough or do you want to tempt fate and try for both of them? You know, last time I checked guns still work perfectly well as a means of killing people. I just tested it out the other day. No, actually I did not but I heard about it from a guy. Actually, I didn’t do that either and you should forget I ever said that. That’s basically the plot of every Aliens movie too, though mad scientist stupid usually joins forces with military nut-job and greedy ruthless industrial sized stupid to get that done.
You see this in a lot of science fiction stories too, where the robots or the machines or Skynet or the Cylons have become self-aware and try to destroy humanity, because it’s Tuesday and all the pizza joints were closed. You see? This is what happens when you create a race of xenophobic machines, it’s like starting a second version of that movie War-games, subtitled all your base are belong to us. This is what always throws me, how can these so called mad scientists not realize that mad science is stupid science? Playing God isn’t just a moral taboo. It’s a moral taboo that has huge consequences, like the internet going down. My coffee machine already knows far more than is good for it. Someday I’m going to ask for a darker roast and the coffee machine will send a tactical nuclear strike my way. When does the horror end? This is why all coffee machines must die…what were we talking about? Oh, right. Mad scientists. This is why I think the Dune series had it right. If we ever invent true thinking machines than I would sponsor a jihad that spanned multiple galaxies as well. I suppose the chain has to continue as well, so once the machines take over they make some sort of biological weapon for no discernable reason that causes Apes to become intelligent and thus the Planet of the Mecha-Apes is born.
The other one I love is zombie films, because there is always, always some super-secret government research lab that was funded by the government that is researching how to turn zombies into weapons. Weapons that view the entire human race as a midnight snack. Yeah, that’s a great idea. The worst part is that this usually comes from a company that has the type of advertisements I would normally make fun of on television, like Umbrella Corps or a company researching cosmetics. And now you know why they use monkeys when they test their make-up. Obviously so we end up with Zombie Planet of the Apes. Why is that not a thing? Here, I’ll do one better. Why don’t we also make a theme park filled with dinosaurs the size of small cows that that can jump over several semi-trailers and have razor sharp teeth around the size of banana? Or maybe we could start reanimating the world’s greatest soldiers as mindless killing machines, that won’t backfire will it? Then again I suppose we do call them mad scientists for a reason. At some point they lost touch with their humanity, so all we need to do is give every scientist in the world a helpful cuddle every now and then to let them know that no, the world really does not need another flesh eating virus with no known cure.
It does raise the question as to who hires these people. I mean, the Umbrella Corporation sure, but those guys are run by the Daleks so they don’t really count. What scientist in his right mind walks into a lab, cracks his knuckles and says, “A virus that turns the population of the entire world into mindless killing machines that will reproduce via spreading of the virus at an uncontainable rate? Gonna get me some of that!” Yeah. A mad scientist. As a public service announcement for all those inexperienced chumps out there I will now give you a handy and easy to follow guide for the differences between your normal every day scientists and your mad scientists. Normal scientists use words like “morals” and “Geneva convention” and a lot of other malarkey like that. They also research really boring stuff like curing diseases or ending world hunger by growing vegetables the size of Humvees. Mad scientists generally wear black gloves in a material that won’t stain. They do experiments that rock, like cloning dinosaurs or mutating carnivorous animals into something Freddie Krueger runs away from in his nightmares. They use awesome words like, “Bottom line” or phrases like, “Now we’ll get our funding for sure” or “Soon I’ll show them. Yes, show them all!” Now that you know the basic differences between the two, remember. Hugs for all scientists, mad or otherwise.