Is it that time again already? It certainly seems to be. Here, for your perusal and enjoyment, is the third installment of the My Immortal series. It may not be needed anymore, but allow me to stress that this is not a personal attack on the author and it is in no way personal. Today we’ll cover the next four chapters and hopefully by the end of today we’ll have reached the first of the infamous Vlodemort scenes. For those of you reading along, or listening along, at home. Sometime around chapter 11 or so, which may very well be next week, the editing process stops and the writing gets a little more wonky for it.
Chapter VI- Oh yes. Yes. This is the chapter where we meet Vampire Potter. For those of you who haven’t caught on yet, this is basically bizarre Hogwarts where everything is Goth and evil. Apparently Harry…er…sorry, Vampire Potter wears so much eyeliner he literally bleeds the stuff. Pretty much. Oh God the details! We get bogged down in the details. Vampire Potter apparently doesn’t have a scar, though I would have thought chicks would dig a lightning bolt scar, but that’s just me. We found out later that the character Diabolo (Ron) turned it into a Pentagram. I guess chicks don’t dig scars of pentagrams either, because he hides it now. Maybe this was like the magical version of that tattoo you get when you’re drunk that you regret as soon as you’re sobered up. Oh lord. I forgot that his name is still Harry but people call him Vampire because he loves the taste of human blood. Brilliant. Yeah, that scar is totally a four in the morning drunk on human blood decision. You know how these things go, right? Well, thankfully our time with Vampire is cut mercifully short because Draco comes to get Enoby to give her a “surprise”. I’ll give you a hint. It may or may not be in a box.
Chapter VII-You know, I’m not gonna lie? Every time I listen to this chapter I get a bit bored. And depressed. “He put his boys thingy in mine and we had sex.” So…you have a boys thingy too? How does…how does that even work? You know what? Don’t answer that question. I really don’t want to know. Oh God, I forgot about this part. While they’re indulging in their afternoon depression (Did you see what I did there?) Enoby sees a tattoo that says Vampire on it so obviously he’s been cheating on her in the…what…two days they’ve been an item? So she gets up and leaves, followed by Draco who is still wearing his white foundation and red contac…naked, he’s naked. Don’t get many of them in Hogwarts do you? Oh yes. Great cliffhanger. Sorry, just…ending with, “Vampire Potter, you motherfucker.” We have officially left Hogwarts. I don’t know where we are anymore.
Chapter VIII-I’ll let you in on a little secret while this drama plays itself out in the background. I had originally planned to write around three or four installments of this and use them as bonus posts. School kind of rushed me along, but I wanted to see if I could keep this funny before posting them. Oh yay. We now get Hermione Smith, who is a Satanist, like you do. Most of the characters get major rewrites and Hermione is no exception. Her parents were vampires. Oh yeah, but her mother was a witch who was killed by Vlodemort. And her father killed himself. Now she’s depressed about it. Can we pack anymore specialness into this one backstory? Oh yeah, Satanist. Good, good. And now she’s joined Slytherin because come on, if you’re going to be a devil worshipper you know what’s up. Oh yes! Another insult! Ridiculous dimwit! Have we had that one yet? And here it is everyone, the infamous line where Enoby refers to the forbidden forest where she lost her virility to Draco. Now that…is some forbidden stuff to end a chapter on.
Chapter IX-Yes! It’s Vlodemort! Now we can serious this drama up! I mean…the good kind of serious. He’s wearing black, but he cleeeaaarly wasn’t a Goth. Ok, so here’s the deal from what I can tell. Vlodemort wants Enoby to kill Vampire Potter, who he calls Vampire Potter, likely in an attempt to humiliate him. If she doesn’t then he will kill Draco because apparently news about budding high school romances travels fast in the wizarding world. Oh wait, she does…kind of explain this one. Dude ur so retarded. He has telekinesis. So then Vlodemort flies off and we get a reconciliation of sorts between Enoby and Draco.
And that, again, is my limit. I really do recommend reading or listening through the chapters in question, either before or after. I am not, technically, reviewing this. That would require a more blow by blow account and an attempt to wrap my head around the bizarre storyline. I cannot, nor will I attempt to do so. Until next week, gentle readers, when I will regale you with more tales of horror from…BIZARRO HOGWARTS!