I like to consider this blog to be educational at times, yes my ego is swelling quite nicely thank you. But really, there are all kinds of life lessons that I can impart to the youngsters like why cats are nature’s pocket knives with blades covered in disease or the educational value of fruit when used as a projectile, but today I’m here to register a complaint with a show I’m sure you’ve heard of, Doctor Who. I will admit up front that I am, without shame, a bandwagon fan of this Doctor Who people have been talking about. I actually think the first show I ever saw was literally the fiftieth anniversary show, only having seen bits and pieces of the ninth doctor before that. I was certainly familiar with the show but I wouldn’t recommend that special as a jumping off point. Of course, thanks to Facebook and the fanbased version of Lovecraftian horror, where there are details about the show or movie in question floating out of reach that are spoils but you’ll go mad if you don’t read every single article on the subject, most of the special was so spoiled for me that even though I knew very little about Doctor Who, I still knew pretty much a large portion of the story. Thank you to all my Facebook friends, who like me have no self-control and just read whatever Facebook shoves down their gullets. Not really, I love you all.
The reason I bring up Doctor Who is because the two biggest baddies, in terms of species anyways, either want to kill us all or upgrade us all to whatever the Doctor Who version of Windows 8.1 is and both options kinda suck. I think the Borg in Star Trek had the same kind of image problem where they really need to work on their branding. “Join the Borg, hoses in your neck. What’s to lose?” “Alright, bear with me here but I’m going to bring us back to the hoses in the neck because I’m a little iffy on having a garden hose attached to me. Does it serve a purpose or do you all just really like hardware stores?” If it’s true for the Borg, it’s true for the Doctor Who villains as well. I mean, take the Cybermen. You actually get some pretty convincing arguments as to why being upgraded isn’t so bad. No pain, no fear, no joy either but thems the breaks, I guess. If you get rid of Hell, it only makes sense to ditch heaven too. The problem comes in with the whole brain removal thing and on top of that if we’re constantly upgrading than why do we all look the same? I get that if I have no emotions my imagination will be as colorful as a bowl of tepid water, but can’t they give me my choice of flame decals before I get upgraded?
I’m guessing the reason is that any choice I make post body replacement surgery would seem like a bad tattoo I got while drunk that I only notice during that point in the hangover when I look in the mirror and start asking myself some very serious questions about what happened to my life. The other one is the Daleks, and admittedly the Daleks aren’t really trying to make friends but they are so very boring. I remember the episode where Dr. Who, eleven, went back in time to see Winston Churchill because reasons only to find there are Daleks there, three of them which is the holy number of the Daleks as we all know, and they’re actually helping the British to win the war. Wait, hold on. I just need a second to process this. Daleks fighting Nazis? This is like Nazis riding dinosaurs. It seems like a really good idea at the time, but later on when you’re not high anymore you realize how insane you must have sounded. The reason I bring that episode up is to point out that when Dalek classic shows up again, they show up in all different colors and all I could picture in my head was, “And you win….a NEW DALEK!” only there would be no clapping on account of the exterminating. It would be a great prize for a game show, because who’s going to make you pay taxes on your shiny new xenophobic cockroach in a death tank? Nobody, that’s who. Oh, like Doctor Who. Ha ha. I pat myself on the back, put your bricks down.
If there’s anything I know about global genocide, it’s that branding really matters and most of the time you see those Daleks, they all have the uniform steel color going. I’m not knocking steel, it’s a classy look, but when they all have that it makes them look like an army of giant elongated salad bowls balanced on seguays. At least they’re all plenty quotable, what with that “exterminate” thing they have going. I would totally expect to see late night talk show hosts making jokes about that, you know, before the exterminations begin. Some of the other Doctor Who villain races get this more right, like the Zygons. They don’t want to be out in the open looking like a statue of a deep sea creature made out of Bazooka Joe. They would prefer to look like us, which is also boring but in a more familiar way. Look, how do you think McDonalds became the number one fast food in the galaxy, before Kentucky Fried Homo-Sapiens came along? It’s the golden arches, man. People want to eat there because they know exactly what they’re getting. I guess that’s true for the Daleks and Cybermen as well, so maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about. I still think they should franchise the damned thing, though the question of exactly who would run one comes up. Oh yeah, who. Doctor Who. Bricks down.
Complaining about those two Doctor Who villains is pointless anyways, because they fall into this weird place where their image is what we’ve come to expect. Better a safe, if not familiar death, via Dalek death ray then killer water, or earth or whatever normally inanimate thing they’re trying to make us frightened of this season. Next season on Doctor Who, sunlight that can kill you! Run! Wait…that really won’t work and now it’s making me think of the Solarbanite from Plan 9 from Outer Space. Did I spell that right? Who cares. Oh well, all I know is that if Daleks really existed I would want to do one thing before I died. I would want to ride a Dalek. Oh come on, you’ve seen those things glide along on the floor. They look like pure heaven to me, and you don’t even have to do all that leaning nonsense. At least the Daleks have their own branded merchandise, there are some villains that wouldn’t really work for in Doctor Who, like the Silence. I know I bought a Silence plushie, I’ve got the mark on my arm but I have no idea where I put it. Oh, right. I left in the kitchen when I went to grab a snack. Now back to the living room. Hey, where did I put my Silence plushie? I’ve got the mark on my arm but…and so on. The other one that wouldn’t work is those weird sand men things because the episode put me to sleep, ironically. Maybe it would be a good sleep aid? Something to think about, BBC.