Welcome, friends, to the second installment of the My Immortal how not to do it features. I feel the need to again point out that this isn’t personal, and to make that even clearer once we’re done with the fanfic I will put up a post making fun of myself. So, without any further delay, let’s look at the next say…four chapters. I’ll be giving a kind of running, rambling commentary as I listen to the auto-tuned version, so follow along and it will make more sense.
Chapter II- It just hit me as I was listening to the first chapter again that she was named for her hair color, Enoby. It’s a good thing she didn’t dye her hair to some other color. Also, word to the…well, word to you future writers. It can never snow and rain at the same time. I’m going to have a hard time with these opening chapters, because the insanity train really doesn’t leave the station till around chapter eight or so. Most of the opening chapters are Enoby putting on her Goth face and drinking blood for a bottle, because she’s a vampire. That’s how it works, right? The other thing to point out is that all the characters wear white foundation and black makeup and I never really thought about how weird that looks. Someone on YouTube did a live action version of one of the chapters and that really comes out. So like, OMG! Do you like Draco! I say that because neither of the main characters have left their room and now Draco is there asking Enoby out to a concert. He must have been right there hearing her say she doesn’t like him. This was a set up! Not gonna lie, I find the idea of Good Charlotte playing in Hogsmeade kind of hysterical. Don’t play too near that screamy house at the end of the block though guys, or that concert will get really ugly, really fast.
Chapter III- Ok, this chapter is so wonderful. Where to start? Also, this should be brought up before we get too much further. Enoby slits her wrists like a diabetic takes insulin shots. Just be aware of that. A license plate for a flying car that says “666”? Smoking cigarettes and drugs? Going to a concert? Hey, this isn’t magical at all! It’s just emo wizard Woodstock! The whole concert is too painful to go over, so let’s just get to the good stuff. The use of verbs in this whole series is just great, i.e. “Draco and I crawled back into our flying car.” So these kids are so wasted they can’t even walk and now they’re going to drive a flying car? Brilliant! But it gets better because Draco drives off into the forbidden forest. In the next chapter, a few other forbidden things will be explored…
Chapter IV- Like yo face! That was a joke for Miss Cobwebs. I’m not gonna lie, I can think of like…a million places on or around Hogwarts better for getting your game on than the forbidden forest. Isn’t it called the forbidden forest because it’s…well…forbidden? Seriously, with the giant spiders and the centaurs, get too loud and you’ll draw an audience and who knows what the hell else is out there? But hey, when you have a flying car that has a “666” license plate and you wear red color contacts and your name is Draco, I guess your hands are tied. Here, we get the most sizzling and erotic love scene ever written. “He put his thingy into my you know what and we did it for the first time.” Listen to the auto-tuned version and don’t laugh, I defy you! The chapter ends with the ever wonderful line from Dumblydore, “What the hell are you doing, you motherfuckers!?” According to the author’s notes, Dumblydore has a headache and apparently can’t find his magical aspirin.
Chapter V- So Dumblydore takes them back to the school with the words, “You ludicrous fools.” You’ll have to forgive me, since when I try and spell things as badly as the fanfic does, my brain starts to slip out of my ear and I still need that. Ah. More insults. “Mediocre dunces.” Wonderful. So they have sex and nothing happens and they go upstairs. We get another gratuitous outfit scene and then when she leaves the bathroom (oh yeah, she was in the bathroom. Hey, if the fanfic can’t be bothered to change scenes than why should I?) and Draco is standing there ready to sing her a song. I kinda like to picture him wearing his Hogwarts uniform and holding a giant stereo over his head.
And that’s all I can take for now. So what have we learned today? Firstly, not every noun needs a describing adjective. Dumblydore needs some Excedrin and having sex in the forbidden forest is forbidden, you mediocre dunces. That’s all for this installment, please come back next week as we continue our adventure in, “As the goth turns.”