I’m gonna be straightforward with you guys. This week in the Vincent Pricathon was kind of a disappointment to me. It was a good movie. If you take away any one thing from this, I don’t want it to be that it was a bad movie. See, I’m a simple man. I like my coffee hot, my iced tea cold and my Vincent Price diabolical. In the movie I watched this week, “The Fly” Vincent Price is in maybe a third of the film. Since he’s not evil in this movie in any way, we’re going to have to read deep into his actions and hope that Vincent comes to his senses by the time I get to the sequel. Oh yeah, there are two sequels to this movie and with good reason. It’s kind of awesome. Vincent Price plays Francois Delambre, a factory owner and the brother of our main subject of discussion tonight, Andre. The movie starts off with the night watch touring the factory when he finds Andre’s wife, Patrica, standing next to this huge hydraulic press. She runs off and he finds out that she’s been using factory equipment to make preserves. Wait a minute, that’s not preserves! That’s people! And we get another windup from the night guard to give his horrible gruesome, “Oh my God!” face. Come on, guy, you work as a night watchman for a factory run by Vincent Price! Seeing a man sandwich using a steel vice the size of four door sedan isn’t horrifying, it’s Tuesday.
The opening of this movie runs very slowly, which I’m starting to kind of like. Patrcia calls Francois and tells him she killed her husband. Francois pretty much says, “Whatever” and hangs up. Then the night watchman calls him and tells him the same thing, pretty much. Ok, now shit just got real. I’m kind of fascinated by the fact that women in these films are treated with universal condescension and yet in both films they are the only sane ones. Well. Vincent Price is sane…ish. Until he got set on fire in the last film. Francois gets ahold of the police and runs off to make sure his factory is in good condition. Naturally, we don’t see the huckleberry human spread this guy has become but Vincent Price is seeing his own dead brother’s body mashed up like crazy. Any shock? Like I said, people. It’s Tuesday. They inspect the factory before heading off to find Patricia who repeats that she killed her husband, refuses to say why and then offers them coffee. Because this was a simpler time, when even killers offered refreshments when you came to arrest them. I was very confused at this point. She seems to be very interested in flies, in specific a fly with a white head, so I figured maybe she was being blackmailed by Vincent Price, the lord of flies and owner of a small factory in Canada. Alas, the answer is not quite as interesting.
In fact, more than half the movie takes place in a gigantic flashback, but I’m getting ahead of myself. At first, they don’t even really entirely believe her story that she killed her husband. In fact, I found it very hard to get through the opening of the film until Vincent Price lies to about having the fly in question to get the truth out of her. She tells them a story that takes up around the entire second to third act. This is like Arabian Nights meets the Crypt keeper, this lady just goes on and on. Hey! In the flashback we get to see Andre before he became manjam! The first thing to point out is that her husband Andre is a mad scientist. In fact, dare I say it, he is the maddest of the mad scientists I have ever seen. He’s come up with a new little invention, which he showcases to his wife, called the disintegrator-integrator. It’s a teleporter, essentially, that he uses to teleport a piece of China across the room. It’s like something out of Willy Wonka, if he were less obsessed with chocolate and more insane. You know how it is, you’ve built a device that can tear the fabric of reality and now you need to show it off.
The writing on the bowl is backwards, however, which makes our noble hero Andre realize that more tests need to be done. His wife is skeptical to say the least, and I can hardly blame her. I can not be the only person who would refuse to get into a machine or eat anything out of a machine that has the word disintegrator in it somewhere. Sadly, for their evening plans, the writing on the bowl did come out backwards. Oh no! Get out of my lab, strange lady! You don’t exist until I fix my machine that must be run by five nuclear power plants because science! So once he gets the machine to work again, he tries it on a newspaper to make sure the text is right. Once that’s sorted out, he instantly tries it on the cat. I get it, you know? The guy wants to try out his new toy. I’m quite sure that I would feel the same, but you are not at the live animal testing stage yet. “You’re going to be the most famous cat in history.” Yeah, the cat that’s comprised of nothing more than a disembodied voice. He’ll be famous, alright. When Andre finds out the cat didn’t come back, he hears it meow.
Oh, ha. That’s such a lark. Now let’s go out to the ballet, so I can soften the blow of telling you our cat is in a million tiny pieces floating through space. So if you hear purring in the middle of the night, do not be alarmed. Naturally, once they get back from the ballet he brings her down to his secret mad science lab and offers to disintegrate some champaggen. And then a hamster. Oh, why stop there? You got any small dogs or other pets? How about your son? Dear God, Andre! Even mad scientists would do more test runs after turning the household pet into the Cheshire cat! And naturally, with the successful guinea pig test run he immediately tests it on himself! Again, even mad scientists would find a homeless guy to test it on first. Granted, if he goes the way of snowball you could have a disembodied voice asking for change echoing around your house for all eternity, but that’s a better alternative to self testing! It does work this time, but the next test is…well, I’m just gonna say it. Remember how the lady was looking for a fly? It’s called the fly for a reason people.
While he was doing the test, a fly got into the chamber and so now this guy has a fly head and arm. She kills him because he can’t live with it, being a half fly, half man. After that Vincent Price reveals that he never found the fly she was looking for and they haul her off to the loony bin. Well, not quite. They do eventually find the fly about to be eaten by a spider and the rescue it. Of course, they do so by crushing both the spider and the fly with a giant rock. Good work, everybody. Looks like our work here is done. So the moral of this story is that we could always use a few more tests before we just go nuts. I mean, look at Norman Osbourne. That whole human test worked out super for him too, right? Come to think of it, he ends up fighting a spider too. This was not a good week two for our Vincent Pricathon. I really wish I could say that next one will be better, but I can’t. As much as I love this movie, and I do, it’s not the evil Vincent Price we know and love. Next time, the Fly Returns or something like that. I wish I know how. The little one got crushed by a rock and the big one was turned into a sandwich. You don’t survive that! Ah, well. Here’s your Vincent Price of the week picture. Till next time.