If Facebook had a physical representation in this world, it would look like Tetsuo from the movie Akira, post metamorphosis into blob monster and in my case, it would be covered with advertisements for Soylent Drink. That’s Facebook in a nutshell, it’s massive and ugly and covered in advertisements. It’s a huge time sink, but because it’s an easy way to keep in touch with people you can’t really ignore it either, much like a giant psychic powered blog filled with anger. During this last election cycle, I actually took a break from the site because the negativity was starting to bleed into my white clothes, and I couldn’t get the stains out no matter what I did. Someone suggested baking soda, but that just turned it pink and then I had to get rid of the shirt before the police found it…what was I talking about? Oh right, Facebook. I swear, it’s a good thing Facebook keeps people in touch from a distance because if it kept people in touch from up close, I would have to consider Mark Zuckerberg an accessory to murder. Not that I would know anything about that, it’s just that I heard about it from a guy. It’s like how Facebook suggests all these people for friends and I’m like, “Come on, man. I only have so many shovels. I can’t keep up with your suggestions.” Anyways, I took a break and it was the best thing I ever did, but there are some friends who for various reasons I could only keep in touch with via Facebook, so back to the well of sorrows I guess.

     And what is the deal with Facebook suggesting so many friends now? It used to be that I at least recognized the people who were being suggested, but now I have to keep going to the NSA to figure out who these people are and they’re getting very cross with me. It used to be what I called “friend shaming” where Facebook would tell me that a friend of mine had just ended ninety-seven friends, do you know any of them? Hell if I know, but stop butting into my personal life Facebook! I’m perfectly capable of ruining friendships and alienating people on my own! I think I’ve never had more than one hundred friends on Facebook either time I had a Facebook account, and the people who I do friend I either talk to or went to school with at some point or are important to me. If anything, I have less friends on Facebook now than I did when I first had my account, because some of the people who friended me the first time have refused to do so this time around. I’m already thinking of deleting my account again because I feel like a soldier in the trenches of the Somme during World War I taking a peek out under my gas mask to find out of the mustard gas is gone, only to have my eyes instantly start burning out. You see, what originally got me to leave Facebook was the political posts and with this last election being as civil as Mortal Kombat, it got pretty nasty pretty damned fast.

     Actually, I take that back, because at least in the Mortal Kombat tournament the good guys win in the canon endings the fight ends once you’ve been turned into bloody gibbets. With the election being over, I was kind of hoping that things would return to normal. Ok, normal is a bit much to ask but maybe a bit less insane. No such luck. Out of my extensive less than one hundred friend list, the amount of people actually show up in my feed is down to like a dozen, and most of them don’t post very often so it really boils down to one person. That means I’ve got plenty of space for suggested posts and advertisements for Soylent Drink. On that note, makers of Soylent drink we need to have a very serious marketing discussion about your choice of product name. You could not have had no idea that pretty much every person who leaves a comment on your product will be talking about how Soylent Drink is people. Also, why even bother trying to sell Soylent product when the consumer would rather just be drinking Soylent Green Classic? Unless that was your goal the whole time, you evil bastards. The only ad worse than yours I ever saw was one for Christian singles that told me “Jesus loves me” which…I thought that…I’m confused, website. What are you suggesting? Also, now I’m married so even more awkward.

     I get that there’s a lot of people who don’t like Facebook because it’s a time sink. For a product called Facebook, it sure does make people look at their phones a lot. It seems like all old people have been complaining about Facebook since Facebook was a thing. It’s ruined our lives, we don’t know how to interact with each other because we’re always looking at Facebook on our smart phones. It’s killed print, the newspaper and the radio star and it has serious designs on our women as well…getting carried away again, sorry. I think Facebook, much like smart phones and dynamite, is a tool and it’s only used poorly if you abuse it. There are many times where Miss Cobwebs and I have been sitting across from each other and pointing out things on Facebook that make us laugh or click our tongues. One thing I certainly noticed was that I felt a lot more disconnected from the world when I was off Facebook than when I was on it, and I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I’m not saying bury your head in the sand, but why is it important to be up the minute on news? And on top of that, let’s be honest, your still being given the news that Facebook thinks is important via algorithm that I can’t understand. It certainly was a weird feeling to not know which celebrities have died before their loved ones find out, but now I’m hooked back up and all is right with the world. Except all the parts that aren’t right.

     If there were one thing I missed about Facebook, it would be the fans. Not the fans of Facebook, though I’m sure they exist, but fans of shows and movies and Marvel and so on. They post so many things for me to waste time on that I don’t honestly know how I go into any movie un-spoiled or how I ever need to watch any television show when all I need to do is scroll down my feed and I can catch a whole season in like ten minutes. The reason I love this is that as a writer of stories myself, I find it so incredibly encouraging to see this massive fan rumor mill pop up around stories. If there’s any one positive thing to come out of Facebook, that would be it. You just have to dive through all the casual racism and general hatred of every living thing that leaks out of Facebooks very pores as though it were some giant blob monster made of psychic rage. Here, I’ll prove it. Harambe. Someone’s blood just boiled over and started spurting out their ears like they just eat a vampire themed fruit gusher that blew their goddamned minds. And now the angry comments come, and that is why I left Facebook like a thief in the night. Friends, if you listen to Malice once in your life, don’t let Facebook dictate your emotions. Respect your friends and your enemies alike and listen to them. We’re all in this together. Hail Hydra. Ah shit, forget I said that.

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