Malice Can Fix It~ Possessed doll

Dear Malice,

     my kid sister’s babydoll has been whispering things at night! But we… uh… took the batteries out last week and nothing has changed. Suggestion? Please?!  -Teen who swears he’s not on drugs

     Well, teen who is totally on drugs, if I had a dollar for every doll that whispers things at night, I would have thirteen dollars and ninety-two cents. The last one was mostly a false alarm. But clearly, you’re high as a kite so let me help you down. Your doll talking without batteries is a basic factory defect, and God knows how many more families will be torn asunder before we learn this as a society. Before I list off the things you can do to try to fix your doll, emphasis on the word try, let me give you a list of companies that consistently sell potentially defective killer dolls.

Mattel
American Girls
Good Guy Dolls of America
Good Guy Dolls of Europe
Hasbro

      Now that we’ve gotten the messy stuff out of the way, you’ll be surprised with how easy the fix is. The problem is that most people who own malfunctioning dolls that try to kill them are either crazy, or high like yourself, so they don’t take the proper steps. For this fix you will need

 1 working phone

1 steel safe

1 six foot length of rope

Optional: 1 Alligator

Step 1: All companies are required to answer calls about malfunctioning dolls, so call the company in question and make sure to be polite and concise about your problem. Make sure to record the call and list off all the things your doll has said and all the ways it has tried to kill you. Big business is all about deniability these days.

Step 2: While you’re waiting for the repairman, it’s best not to leave the doll out of your sight. Wrap it up in ropes and put it in a safe. The last thing you need is to wake up with the doll sitting on a shelf just above your head.

Step 3: Once the representative comes by, the fix should basically involve the holy batteries which will fix the problem in a jiff. It may take more work, but this is a really a routine fix.

Step 4: Unless it’s not, in which case feed the doll to the alligator. And then flush the alligator down the toilet. You problem has now been solved. Feel free to send any further questions, gentle reader, to myself, your Malice.

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