Malice can fix it~ Broken laptop

Malice! My laptop screen is all fuzzed out! -Distressed Student

     Clearly, your laptop has been possessed by a greater demon. In my day, we called these things gremlins. So calm down and get a piece of paper, here’s a list of things you’re going to need to pick up from the local hardware store, Best Buy, church, military surplus store and Walmart.

– One Thirty Foot Length of Rope
-Three or Four Assault Rifles
-Several Priests, ex marines, Geek Squad members
-two grenades
-three buckets of holy water
-Fifteen sandbags

Step One: Get you some rope and tie that laptop down so that when things get real, you don’t have a laptop flying around the room trying to bite your face off. You haven’t experienced terror till you’ve seen a possessed Toshiba laptop coming at you like a facehugger from the Alien movies.

Step Two: Make sure to get sandbags that are nice and heavy, and get all your people behind it. You might think I’m going overboard, but your laptop has been possessed. If you don’t do this right, you won’t be able to recover your files and then you’ll blame me. I can see the lawsuits now…”Malice, you didn’t fix my laptop! Malice, my house has a hole in it!” Anyways, set the sandbags up to create a small barrier and makes sure to spread your arms out evenly.

Step Three: At a prearranged signal, dump the three buckets of holy water on the laptop. It may spark like crazy, and if it’s plugged in it may actually set on fire. This just means it’s working. Now, in the old days, I would have suggested using the Holy Hand Grenade, but they are rarer than Unicorn horns, so you’ll have to make do with some regular grenades. Lob those suckers and duck fast, because this is where the struggle begins.

Step Four: Once the smoke clears, unload several clips into the laptop, just to be safe. Once the laptop has stopped moving entirely, send in one priest and one Geek Squad member to confirm that the laptop has been properly exorcised and that it’s free of viruses. Once that’s done, you can attempt to turn the laptop on and if it works, your faith was pure and your laptop should be in perfect working order.

2 thoughts on “Malice can fix it~ Broken laptop

  1. Malice! Where are our readers going to get the mythical creature “Ex Marine”? You know that no such creatures exist! Tsk tsk. You are going to get nasty letters and I am going to say “I told you so.”

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